Years ago I heard my buddy Ed Willson’s hash name was Mr Ed Sucks. If you know Ed you should realize how good a name that is, because, well, it just is. While I never joined the Hash House Harriers, their penchant for giving members interesting, usually crude names is right up my alley. So, we started doing it for the ultrarunning crowd in Eugene and it’s become quite an honor to get a name. While there aren’t any written guidelines (until now) and I don’t claim to be the expert on the topic, here is what I try to follow when naming a fellow ultrarunner.
- You can’t get a name until you run an ultra.
- The person should not name him/herself. Sometimes, though, the name is so good that this guideline can be ignored. Balloon Knot is a good example.
- If the person being named doesn’t like what has been suggested that’s usually a sign that it’s a winner. Tapeworm is a good example of this.
- It should be relevant to the person with respect to ultrarunning. This can be ignored if the name describes the person so well. White Trash is a good example of this.
- Unless it is very good, don’t use the first name that is suggested. Sit on it, digest it, and see if it sticks.
- Crude or disgusting is preferred. It’s good if you stop and think, “uh, this is politically incorrect.”
- If another name comes along that is obviously better, it is OK to change.
So, given those guidelines, here are some of the names of ultrarunners in my circle of friends. If I forget to list you then please comment and add your name and a brief explanation. I’m not going to give their real names, but if you read this blog you may be able to figure some out.
lowercase – because it is hip to write in
all lowercase with no punctuation
and short choppy sentences
if you are a professional writer
it’s easy to hop in and out of character
Hot Newman – A spoonerism for a guy that isn’t like the rest of us.
Tan Mitts (a.k.a. AJizzleWizzle a.k.a. Three Names) – A spoonerism for a guy that should wear a bra, especially when he runs.
MonkeyBoy – This guy climbs like a spider monkey. But the best part about this is that the guy who came up with this name used it in a very nasty sentence. The name stuck. He was formerly known as Three Gels.
Bilirubin – I have an AP question for you: If my stool is pale does that mean that my bilirubin count is too high? Native American name is Pale Stool.
White Trash – Landfill manager who also collects appliances on his property.
French Kiss – Named after the Sunsweet chocolate covered prunes she always has in her refrigerator.
Gayman – Spoonerism for a somewhat asexual woman
Birthmark – There is a birthmark on the chest of his that doubles as a race number.
Floater – Vitamin (or is it mineral?) content of feces determines whether it floats or sinks.
Tapeworm – A skinny fast guy that eats like there is no tomorrow. Oh, and he did have something growing inside him after a trip overseas.
Balloon Knot – Years of staining requires bleaching after waxing.
Seagull Junker – Plug in Coral Reef in the Sarah Palin name generator.
Tbag (a.k.a. LongTom) – He likes to lay his package out.
Brewhahah – His unpronounceable last name begins with a B.
Cougarbait – He’s slow, fat, and juicy and runs with a knife strapped to his arm to fight off cougars.
Mr Ed Sucks and Sucks Mr Ed
OD – The beauty of these initials is that it can stand for so many things: One Day (by 1.5 minutes), Old Dude, Outside Diameter (think fire hose), Odd Duck, but the original meaning was Overdraft because he hadn’t balanced his checkbook in years.
Oh, and what do you think Mr Ed Sucks’ wife’s hash name is? Yep, Sucks Mr Ed.
What’s your name?
Lord Balls
Actually not self-named, Fatboy and “Monkey-Boy”..Sean in Sisters pinned that on me, in one of my many bouts of paranoia, I said I feel like “cougar bait” out here…more because I was so slow and fat and juicy. You recall how painfully slow I was when I started….nearly 7 hours at SOFA gesh!!…..
Fatboy and myself actually orignally named Sean “Monkey-Boy” about 5 years ago as well, he didn’t care for it, nor did his girlfriend at the time. The reason we called him Monkey-Boy is Fatboy was driving by the Sisters’ track one day and myself Sean were running intervals on the track together side-by-side (I do have a little foot speed) and Gene said it looked like a gorilla running next to a monkey,….so, hence…”Monkey-Boy”…Sean avoided that naming…
You’ll have to ask Sean where he got his current nickname — “The Colonel”, that name sounds like someone that needs to take some Extenze and drive a 4×4 with a lift kit and big tires…”The Colonel” has never been offically sanctioned by the Sisters ultrarunning crowd….well..Gene and myself…now that live in Iowa, I guess it’s just Gene..
-CB
I think a good trail name should humor some form of vulnerability about that person that is kinda funny…it’s what makes us human.
@Cougarbait – Thanks. I updated your description above.
That is very interesting that you guys tried to name Sean “Monkey-Boy.” We’re gonna have fun with that here in Eugene.
As I recall, a bunch of names were created one afternoon at the Vida Cafe. LB was talking the waitress out of her socks (successfully), and there was talk of a hash that might last eight hours or more. Hash talk of course led to naming. Did I miss the origin of LB’s name above? Let me try: His cool step-grand, Dot, is talking about watching him race at Foresthill, and being a man of business, LB cruises by without acknowledging his constituency – like Lord Balls or something. Best fit or what?
Touché OD
You need to add a guideline #8; something about recycling names, or in this case (see comment #1) a name was used, didn’t stick, and someone else got it. Should be legal. BTW, does LB’s wife have a name?
@OD – I had forgotten about the ultra hash idea that was born that day in the Vida Cafe. We should do one this summer.
@seagul junker – Thanks, OD needs all the strokes he can get.
@noultra/noname – When are you going to run an ultra so we can name you? As for Mrs LB, she was given the name Slow Roast quite a few years ago by a non ultrarunning friend. While I prefer Lord Balls’ Folds, she thinks Lady Balls is just fine.
Actually I ran a couple 50k’s, but after the 1st one I read the freebee magazine that was in the packet, and some guy wrote an article saying it has to be at least 100 kilometers to be considered an ultra-marathon. So my bubble being burst, I ran another 50k, but never felt it really counted. What do you say? And I think Lady Balls sounds more dignified than Slow Roast.
it’s been 4 years since moving from eugene, so 4 years of no proper running – only short stuff. never have run an ultra, but preparing for McKenzie in Sept – hopefully tagging along with my bro Benelux. last time i saw Lord Balls he wasn’t even running – oh he talked lots about it, all the miles he’d been running…funny how they got longer and longer as the drink went into him…probably he just visualises it from the comfort of his back deck. (wicked grin)
…does that mean i then get a name?
@noultra/noname – Last I heard a 50K is an ultra so we better get brainstorming on a name for you. We might have something for you by tomorrow.
@Big E – That’s awesome you’re training for McKenzie. You think I talked a lot about running four years ago …
now I get to write about it too – from the comfort of my deck, porch, couch and if I ever got one my iPhone. You hang out with the Coyotes, right? Maybe they’ve already got a name ready for you.
It’s good to know that the name “describes me so well!” And here I thought it was just because I was a caucasian guy that worked at the town dump. Little did I know that all these year’s people have been making fun of me for my buck teeth, Larry the Cable Guy shirt, freshly primered el camino truck, and prodigious use of duct tape and blue tarps! If I wasn’t so ignorant, I’d be offended!
White Trash
BigE is the name the Coyotes gave me…they’re all pretty wee you know…no good height here for training so I’m copying Cougarbait in this quest for hills…dozens and dozens of repeats. No soybeans though.
@white trash – Wasn’t your town, where you’re the keeper of the town dump, the host of the Redneck National Championships a couple of years ago? You gotta lot to be proud of my friend.
@Big E – Who knows, maybe the wee Coyotes have multiple interpretations of “BigE.” I can think of several right off the top of my head.