Open letter to Lord Balls from lc
November 24, 2008

Dear Lord Balls,

Let me start off by reminding you that I am the King of Cool.  No, not Steve McQueen you shallow idiotic spunkbite.  Remember that race in California that you have been running for years and can never break four hours at?  The one you say is all uphill at the end and “very hard” to run?  The biggest most competitive 50K in the country?  Now you remember what I’m talking about?  Way Too Friggin’ Cool.  That’s right.  Remember the second time I ran your favorite stupid little race I was the first one to cross the line, let me see … about 21 minutes faster than your PR for the course!  And only 7 off your 50K PR on the ROAD!!!  You have no idea what that feels like do you – crossing the line first?  Maybe one of these years you should spend some time running hills instead of shaving your girly little legs and you could get close to four hours again. But then again you’re so old and washed up you’re probably better off obsessing over how to get men to shave their legs so you don’t feel so gay.  Oh, but I digress.

So why am I writing you this letter?  To satisfy your stupid tradition that anybody that runs a 100 miler must write a race report.  You can do whatever you want with this.  Post it on A JizzleWizzle’s blog since you’re not man enough to have your own.  Print it and send it to your mom and let her stupid bird poop on it.  Hell, wipe your butt with it for all I care.  You probably won’t find it as satisfying as using a stick, you Neanderthal.  I have never met anybody else who takes pride in wiping his butt with sticks and rocks.  Did your mom not teach you how to use toilet paper?  Moron.

So have you ever tried to run Leadville, Mr Balls?  No, I didn’t think so.  I heard all your excuses about Leadville being a boring stupid course, that the RDs aren’t as good as you, that you don’t live at altitude, etc etc etc.  You’re so damn stuck in your ways and scared to try something different.  I know you’re insecure, Mr Balls.  And let me tell you, you’re a wussy, too.  Colorado is much too manly for you, Mr Balls.  You keep running your safe little California runs and leave the exploration of new more difficult terrain to those of us with real balls, hairy balls.  Those of us not afraid to fail.  Why again is it that you are called Lord Balls?  It surely isn’t because you have them.

Let me tell you Leadville was tough.  Tougher than any 100 you’ve ever done.  Snow, rain, wind, altitude, darkness, 12,600′ – twice!  I was sick from like the first 10 miles.  Puking, pooping, puking, and more puking.  You ever had those kinds of problems for that many miles? After running more than 60 miles and puking for 50 of them, I gave my crew a break, walked to the nearest aid station, and stopped. Got my bracelet cutoff.  My family and crew got to go get some sleep in the hotel.  Ever think about your crew when you’re doing 100 milers, LB? Never.  Because you’re a selfish, arrogant, taker – just like AJW. Maybe that’s why you get along with him so well.  You’re both takers. Think about your crew next time you’re out there stumbling along at 14 minutes per mile.  Don’t waste their time.  Try it.  Somebody might actually like you.

So there it is, Mr Balls.  You think you’re the best writer in the whole group, don’t you?  Let me remind you that I work as a journalist for a living.  I’m a professional writer, not some amateur wannabe Hemingway.  Consider this my Leadville 100 race report.  Pretty creative, huh?

lc

See Lord Balls retort to lc