Top Ten Indicators You Might Be From Ashland

After spending another great weekend in this southern Oregon town, I made a few observations.  Here are the top ten indicators you might be from Ashland.

10. You put a Shakespeare quote on your race shirts – Lord, what fools these mortals be!

9. You don’t think Granite St is a hill.

8. You own a house with an elevator.

7. You can pet two cougars anytime you want.

6. You drink beer at a place called the Ultralounge.

5. You don’t have health insurance (oooh, so insensitive).

4. You made your money in California or you’re a trustafarian.

3. Your ultra is an SOB.

2. You know to bring Truffaldino Elvis sandwiches.

1. You run really fast.

What did I miss?

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  1. Looks like you got most of them. I’d offer a few more:

    1. You’re surprised that the person shopping next to you at the co-op store isn’t reeking of patchouli oil.

    2. You know at least one person named Bliss.

    3. Wonder why your worm farm doesn’t compost bread well.

    4. Don’t know any male over the age of 50 that isn’t on thyroid and testosterone medication.

    5. Can talk for twenty minutes on the merits of your running shoe.

    6. Your dog is more injured than you due to overrunning.

    7. Glad we traded Jennifer Moss for Jenn Shelton.

    • @MonkeyBoy, I don’t know about the burpless cucumbers at the co-op, but perhaps the burpless customer to which are referring is the guy we used to think had a birth defect which didn’t allow him to burp but then recently found out it was all in his head when he burped during his 17-minute beer mile. If that is the same guy then he is now the “formerly burpless resident of Ashland.”

  2. the artist formerly known as…burpless in ashland. (tafkabia)

    a tafkabia sounds anatomical, possibly located around the bottom floor. i guess we can just add it to his already growing list of nicknames.

    • @noultranoname, Well, you see, the guy in Ashland that Monkeyboy referred to above told us as recently as last spring that he cannot burp. Never had burped. Thus, he drinks wine. Lots of wine. Little beer. No soda. I was probably the one to determine (or spread a rumor) that he had a birth defect which prevented him from burping. I may have made it up, I don’t remember. But alas, at the Southern Oregon Beer Mile this summer, the gentleman, formerly known as burpless in ashland (fkabia) drank four beers and belched for the first time in his life. We were all amazed and shocked. I think you can figure out the “artist formerly” prefix … You may recall that MB sang Raspberry Beret at the Georgetown Hotel a few years ago. He has a thing for Prince or whatever he is called these days. Still confused?

  3. Geez, I LIVE in Ashland, have been here forever, and I have no idea who doesn’t burp, don’t know anybody who DOES wear patchouli, and don’t know what the hell a Truffaldino Elvis sandwich is… I am, however, VERY grateful that we have Jenn Shelton rather than Jennifer Moss. That’s why we stop for pedistrians. And, yes, my dog is injured… and I’m confused.

    • @Mel, I can help you with the Elvis sandwich. Truffaldino is one of the characters in Servant of Two Masters (a play at your Shakespeare Festival). He is hungry for meaning, but it manifests itself in a hunger for food. A couple of Ashlanders told us we need to bring a sandwich to the play. To the play? For what? Because Truffaldino is hungry. OK, so the Ashlanders made an Elvis sandwich (peanut butter and banana – and no I didn’t know Elvis ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches but I do now and I feel so much smarter) and I put it in the pocket of my Conduct the Juices Hoodie, which went over very well with the blue hairs, and went to the theater with my wife. Yeah, it felt strange going to the theater with a sandwich, but I trusted my Ashland friends. So early in the play, a comedy with audience participation, Truffaldino asks if anybody has a sandwich. That must be my cue. So I pull the Elvis sandwich out of the pocket of my Conduct the Juices hoodie and hold it up. We’re in the fourth row and Truffaldino runs over and climbs up over the blue hairs in the first three rows and grabs the sandwich. He then proceeds to eat the sandwich. Was this a setup? I think so. But it was a lot of fun.

      As for the other things you don’t seem to know about your town, well, maybe SLF will help you. Give him four beers and maybe he’ll burp for you. Meantime, get out and see some plays!

  4. So, I guess Mel, you do know someone named Bliss, you can talk about your running shoes for at least twenty minutes, you don’t know any male over 50 that isn’t on hormone replacement for thyroid and testosterone, and you do wonder why your worm farm doesn’t handle bread well.

    Servant closes on Sunday. Should be a great performance. I do know for a fact the two SOBs will be there, along with their better halves.

    Craig, as to your answer for noultranoname: !
    Still wondering if you call what MB did singing, but since I didn’t get up there, I will remain silent on the subject.

  5. A few more:
    1. You know it’s legal to run nude in town (which makes it somewhat less fun)
    2. You think your capri pants and mobens make you look more manly.
    3. You know that your fellow SOB finished DFL in the beer mile to his (and your) everlasting
    embarrassment (even if he did manage the virgin burp).
    4. You know you’ll get roasted at the end of the year ultra party for that post Waldo projectile
    puke (this I know from experience), 35 pound weight gain (and loss), and ridiculously fast time.

  6. So I ask John P, if he and the other SOB were to tie for first place in any 50K, would he say he came in second place? Thought not. Last time I looked, your fellow SOB came in tied for second-to-the-last.
    Where do you get those capri pants anyway????

  7. The cougars are sneaky, you never know another may just show up and ease some of the building tension.

    If you’re from Ashland you make sure you’re chances of winning a five miler are pretty good before you drive 5 hours to and from it…just sayn’…..

  8. 1) When you think it’s always up hill to get to California
    2) When your first thought is Phoenix isn’t in Arizona
    3) When you can justify paying a million dollars for house that you can buy for $200,000 10 miles away.
    4) You’re not impressed by someone quoting Shakespeare.
    5) When you know there isn’t any talent living in Talent

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