Guest Post by Lewis Taylor
Open letter to lc from Lord Balls
That’s a nice race report. Cute. If you had listened to me, you wouldn’t have had to fly 1,000 miles so you could poop and puke and DNF at Leadville. You should have stayed home and showed your mental weakness here at the Where’s Waldo 100K brought to you by Sunsweet. You should have followed the code. “What’s the code?” you ask. The code says you must run the same four races every year: Truffle
Shuffle, Cool, Pear Blossom and a little ole contest called the Western States 100. What’s that? You didn’t get into Western States? You should have signed up for Javelina like I did. Six washing machine loops in the desert is way more interesting than a mountainous, 100-mile, out-and-back course in the Rockies. Have I mentioned how boring and uninspired that Leadville course is? Hope Pass, my ass. You see, lc, it’s simple. With my proven training plan you too can make the Western States 100 your single purpose for being. All training runs start from 225 E. 39th Ave., we run the SOFA and MLK Fat Ass in January, and on the day after Cool, we run from Michigan Bluff to the cemetary and back. But you didn’t do any of these things, lc. You didn’t even stay for all 12 days of training camp or make the Ice Cream Sandwich Run. I even heard you violated the most important rule there is: All long runs must start no earlier than noon, so as to assure you will accomplish nothing else that day. I heard you were out training in the morning, in the dark, which is something I just don’t understand. It’s like people who insist on calling it “Western.” How many times do I have to tell you people, it’s “States?” So why, lc, would you want to get up that early and run? I even heard you don’t take daily naps from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. Don’t you know that’s prime time for muscle recovery. And don’t get me started on that whole procreation thing. When you looked into your wife’s eyes and said, “Honey, let’s start a family,” what you were really saying is, “Honey, let’s do something that will forever compromise my ability to train, and assure that I will never crack the top 50 at Western States.” C’mon, lc, vasectomy is the answer. It’s not too late to cut your losses — so to speak.